Two of a Kind
by Erithemaeus
Summary: They're both cynical. They always have their words ready to lash out like blades, hurting those that try to oppose their beliefs. But most of all, they're the only ones who get each other. After all, they're two of a kind. [Snippets of the life of two unlikely friends.]
1. Teaser - An Essay

Youth is a lie.

The very act of defining youth itself is also a lie. There is no definition that could encompass the concept of 'youth'. Attempting to phrase it in one's own words is nothing but a pointless and hypocritical endeavor, which is embolden by false understanding that they can term it in words that everyone could understand. The truth is, nothing could be truly defined.

Youth falls into this category as well. Different people put the term in different meanings, thus leading to various inconsistencies when comparing definitions with anyone else. It is both a waste of effort, all for some sliver of self-gratification that might result at the end of it all. Reality however, is always an arduous taskmaster. No matter how much self-gratification that one might earn in searching for the definition of youth, it would always force one to face the facts. That such a thing isn't wholly important to the world at large.

What then, is important? Is there something out there that would validate our efforts in finding it, even though the cold hand of reality would seep into our fantasies sooner or later? Once again, everything is relative. What is important cannot be truly be defined, such as every other term out there. There is only a compromise. A mutual understanding between two or more parties – an arbitrary definition, and nothing more.

Therefore, I posit that someone – even me – could define an activity as important, in the same way that I could say that youth is a lie. Everyone is entitled to our opinion, and trying to dissuade is nothing more than thinly-veiled brainwashing. Thus, I would like to say that whoever might be reading this...take what I say with a grain of salt.

I have been through a lot of trials and endeavors in order to become the person that I am today. Genetics had put me through a course of school bullying during elementary, which only worsened and intensified during middle school. It is due to this that I believe youth is a lie – if I were to base my own definitions about youth and compare it to what I observed, then I would definitely reject it. Does youth mean the incessant bullying and name-calling? Does youth mean the isolation of people out of the norm in order to keep the status quo?

No, it isn't. At least, for me. Like I said, I am entitled to my own opinions, and this rule also applies to you.

Youth is a lie due to not meeting with my expectations. It is a hypocritical thought, yet it is the only one that brings me solace after everything that I had been through. After all, if all of my expectations end up coming short, then I could summarily deduce that whatever expectations that I would have in the future would also fall short. This line of thinking is nothing more than a defense mechanism, my comfort blanket. By keeping my expectations of other people high, I could convince myself that it is nothing more than a natural occurrence to be let down.

Such a self-destructive mindset is nothing more than the product of past experiences. Others say that only the present molds us into the people that we mean to be, but I disagree; the past affects us very much so. Being accepted into a good college requires having good grades in high school. Being accepted in a good job requires having good marks and attitude from one's college. Society is structured in such a way wherein the past matters much more than the future. Once again, this is based upon my own opinion, and therefore is subject to second or tertiary thoughts. It is up to you if you want to believe them.

Indeed, I dare say that those who say such inspiring words have never experienced being life's punching bag. They were never in the shoes of those looked upon unfavorably by the word, and thus they spout words from on high, never sympathizing with their listeners, but only pitying them. It is the main reason as to why I hate those kinds of people; they all put on a mask to hide their true thoughts – that they are not spouting off words of encouragement in order to inspire others to be better than themselves, but to feed their own ego to proclaim that they are on a higher level that those that they inspire.

Really, a lot of the cliques in my class are the same. All you need is to observe.

And speaking of masks, I had a little...experience regarding them during the start of my third year in middle school. This was after the whole fiasco with my...failed confessions, and the subsequent bullying that came after. I told myself to go to school – to prove myself better than them; to prove that their words would not affect me. Of course, things didn't work as planned. I was only fourteen...close to fifteen at the time, and so I did not have the maturity to understand the situation. Liken it to me being an ordinary hot-blooded male.

So, the cracks in my mask started to come apart little by little as the jeers and taunts continued. Until...the mask finally disappeared. I took solace in the fact that _they _were the ones who had done this to me. There would be no more lies. I would no longer care as to whether or not I would be ostracized even further. If they think of me as a pathetic person, they I would no longer care. I would only acknowledge the truth, and nothing else.

Then...that was when the magic started. Masks formed on everyone's faces, all in the style of a noh mask. Blank, formless, and oh-so fearful. Immediately, I turned back to what I was when I was a kid; awkward, always shifting gazes...afraid. They were nothing more than masks yes, but...that's the scary part, isn't it? You don't know who was hiding behind those masks...Not even a single thing.

Of course, it might be due to the form of my repressed trauma finally taking shape in a form that I could understand. That try as I might to understand other people, I could only get blank slates. I...don't really have all the answers as to why I saw them like that. I thought that it was going to continue on forever.

Well, once again, my expectations were proven wrong. By one Azusagawa Sakuta.

Out of all the people that I had met back then...he was the only one that didn't have a mask on.

* * *

_\- Hikigaya Hachiman's first draft of his essay, 'The Main Reasons as to Why Youth was a Lie'. The words after this part were ripped out of the page. His reasoning being that anything after this would be enough evidence to constitute as 'hero worship'. Thus, the final draft that he submitted was one that removed all said evidence of 'hero worship', and left him in a precarious position in the Service Club._


	2. Call - Introduction

_"Lies."_

"Think of what you will. If you don't want to believe that I have a girlfriend, then I might as well bring her to you over the weekend." Sakuta's eyes narrowed, "...Although considering your streak of luck lately, I'm sure that I need to keep Mai-senpai away from you."

_"The hell do you mean by that?" _The monotone on the other side of the line said, its voice tinged with incredulity and anger. _"I'm currently in a club with two other women that don't want nothing to do with me, and I can't just leave."_

"Is your hinedere side finally showing?"

_"You have never seen Hiratsuka-sensei before. I'm sure you'd feel the same. Still, it's actually quite surprising to find out that she actually likes those old shōnen manga..." _As the voice continued on talking to him, Sakuta could only nod his head in slight attention while a thin smile formed on his face.

"So, the great Hachiman has a crush. I didn't know that you pined for older women, but I respect your dedication. Got to snag that forbidden fruit, right?"

_"Go to hell, Sakuta."_

"I'm in a relationship with a demon, so suck it." Less than a second later, Sakuta yelped, a can full of coffee impacting with his head. He bucked forward, tripping on the corner of his bed and falling face-first into his pillow, groaning in pain for a while. Considering that he hadn't heard Hachiman's voice in a while, Sakuta could only assume that he had accidentally ended the call.

_Talk about bad timing..._

"So, what's this about me being a demon?" Sakuta craned his neck to see his girlfriend, freshly out of the shower and currently dying her hair with a towel. She currently wore one of his shirts, the hem ending just by her knees.

Sakuta praised the gods and drank in the sight, for what it was worth. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Mai-senpai."

"Then stop staring at my thighs. You might remember something if I killed your libido." Mai promptly replied, tossing the towel towards him and landing on his face. A defeated sigh escaped Sakuta's lips, but not before making one last comment.

"I don't think my libido would go away if you're wearing those clothes."

"So you mean to say that I need to be naked?"

"That would just make it stronger." Both of them erupted into chuckles, filling his room with laughter for a few moments before it died down. Sakuta removed the towel from his eyes and gazed at his bed's headrest, where a few framed pictures stood. _Ah, might as well just tell her._

"Don't worry, senpai. I was just talking to a friend from middle school." If it did anything, it only served to put Mai's mind in the gutter. "...No, he's a male."

"You're bisexual now?"

Sakuta blinked, staring at Mai with wide eyes. A few seconds later, he blinked again, before burying his into his pillow. "Alright", he admitted as his girlfriend started laughing at him, "I admit I fell for that one, but no."

Sakuta reached out towards one of the frames, holding it out for Mai to take. She blinked, the picture of a younger Sakuta staring right into the camera with a dispassionate look on his face, and to his left...was someone who could be his twin, if it weren't for the differing hair colors. The dispassionate look that the other boy had on his face was so like Sakuta's that it looped right back around to being funny. "Before you ask, we're not twins."

"Who is he, then?" Mai asked, tilting her head to the side as Sakuta slammed his head back into his pillow and screamed. A few seconds later, Sakuta turned back to staring at her, his usual expression on his face.

"That's Hikigaya Hachiman", he said, pointing towards the boy with coal black eyes. She blinked, finding that– "His most defining feature is his dead fish eyes."

"Really?"

"Don't tell me you're not thinking of the same thing."

"At least I don't say it out loud."

"As a friend, I do believe that I have the right to tease him whenever he's not around."

"Then what about me?" Sakuta blinked, tilting his head to one side as he hummed.

"What about you?"

"Do you tease me whenever I'm not around as well?"

"Well, due to technological limitations–"

"Sakuta."

"Mai-senpai."

"I hate you."

"You don't."

"Exactly." Mai pouted, "I hate you for not being able to hate you."

Sakuta felt like he had taken a pull of pure, refined sugar. _Ah, I see. So this is how I die– sugar overdose. Well, I can't say that I hate it... _"Sakuta, listen to me, will you?"

Mai was pouting again. "What is it?"

"Do you think we could meet him?"

Sakuta blinked, before making sure that he steeled his face to prevent any unnecessary reactions. "...Why?" It wasn't as if Mai had any reason to acquaint herself with him, after all. Was this what jealousy felt like? Hachiman wasn't even here!

"I'd like to see you two interact with one another."

Sakuta sighed, massaging his temples as he began sketching plans that required sharing with Hachiman later. He opened his eyes, and promptly blinked at the almost unconscious reaction of his girlfriend. _Did she just...?_ "Mai-senpai, did you just lick your lips?"

"No."

_I clearly saw it though... _"Are you sure?"

Mai nodded. "I mean, I'm definitely not thinking about what to do with_ two _Sakutas. Don't mind me; go on and finish your homework."

Sakuta's mouth gaped open like a fish, and Mai promptly burst into laughter, "Y-You should've seen the look on your face, Sakuta– oof!"

The towel promptly slammed into Mai's face as Sakuta got up from his bed and sluggishly made his way towards his desk, taking the image away from his mind. _Not that it would go away, damn it. _"I hate you, Mai-senpai."

"Same as with you, Sakuta-kun."

Needless to say, both of them didn't really mean it.


	3. Junction - Meeting of Two Friends

Hachiman looked at the train platform, then looked at the signage saying that the next train would be arriving in five minutes. He heaved a sigh a second later, then turned towards his two companions with his signature glare. "...Why are the two of you here?"

"Yuigahama-san dragged me here against my wishes." At that, Hachiman gave a snort. If Yukinoshita didn't want to come here, then she wouldn't drove Yuigahama up against the wall and systematically destroy her reasons for participating in such a 'trifling activity'. It just meant she was playing hard to get. The half-mask on Yukinoshita's face slightly grew, and Hachiman narrowed his eyes at her for a second.

No matter how she tried to speak the truth, the mask doesn't lie.

"But, don't you think it's kinda weird that Hikki even has friends?" Hachiman turns his gaze towards Yuigahama, seeing an ever-shifting mist that covers her face. He scoffed. Another person to be cautious around. The rest of the people that he met only wore blank noh masks. For Yuigahama's to take form of an ever-shifting mist...it meant that she was a skilled manipulator, or a coward. Both options were unacceptable.

"Indeed, the act of Hikigaya-kun mentioning that he has friends would be enough for me to discredit the claim as a falsehood." Just one look from Yuigahama however, and she immediately caved in. _I guess this should teach me that Yukinoshita has less power than she thinks._ "...However, it would also be unfair to Hikigaya-kun if we were to simply assume such facts from the get-go. Thus, we must acquire sufficient evidence to either prove or disprove his claim."

Translation: We're stalking you because we never had faith in your claims.

Yet the fact that he spent the time on an early Saturday morning to come to the station wasn't enough of an evidence? _As expected, they never really had faith._The horns of the train blared, its brakes slowly forcing the train to a stop. A hiss resounds through the air, coming from the train's brakes as it finally came to a halt, and a small puff of air came with the opening of the doors.

Hachiman immediately found him, stepping out of the cabin with the usual disinterest that the two of them shared. "Oi, Azusagawa!" Hachiman called, "Over here!"

Coal orbs collided against hazel eyes for a few seconds, before Azusagawa broke off, continuing on acting like he hadn't seen him. A frustrated sigh escapes Hachiman's lips, a familiar migraine coming to mind, and yet...he couldn't help but feel nostalgic. _Fine. So that's how he wants to play it?_

Hachiman took a deep breath before raising his voice. "Azusagawa Sakuta always stores his most risqué magazines in–"

"Hachiman!" Sakuta said, 'spotting' him in the crowd almost immediately as he and a girl that Hachiman didn't know made their way towards them.

"...So does he actually store them with you?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure that it's not _your _own risqué magazines that you're storing?"

"Sakuta, nice to meet you again", Hachiman said in reply, holding out a hand to his friend. The brown-haired teen did the same, and as a gesture of camaraderie the two shook hands. Silence echoed in the air for a minute as their hands wouldn't budge away from the handshake, accentuated by the occasional shiver of their hand. Both their eyes narrowed at one another, increasing their grip on each other's hand until the girl with Sakuta had enough and pried the two of them apart.

"Men", she spoke with a roll of her eyes, garnering the same reaction from Yukinoshita and a giggle from Yuigahama. She held out her hand towards Hachiman. "Sakurajima Mai. I'm beginning to understand as to why both of you didn't want a meet up."

"EH!?" As usual, Yuigahama caught on immediately. "The celebrity!?"

"One and the same."

"Oh, uh...My name is Yuigahama Yui!" Yuigahama fell silent for a second, before she started digging through her purse. "Also, can I get an autograph...?"

Mai turned towards the other girl, who only indulged her with a nod. "Yukinoshita Yukino."

"You sure know how to pick them", Mai said, shooting a cheeky smile at Hachiman that reminded him a little bit too close of Sakuta. "I must say, I'm impressed."

"It'd be over my dead body before I even start dating one of them", Hachiman replied in his usual monotone, finally returning the handshake as he turned his gaze towards Sakuta. "I could certainly say the same for you, Sakuta."

The brown-haired teen blinked. "How'd you–"

"No mask."

Sakuta blinked, before turning towards Mai with wide eyes. Mai herself was staring at Hachiman with wide eyes of her own, and he coughed in order to try and steer the conversation back on track. "Until when are you guys staying here?"

"Tomorrow, at the very best." Mai replied, shooting Sakuta a glare before he could even speak. "I have a feeling that he's going to slack off again."

"Not just a feeling. It's practically guaranteed."

"Oh?" Mai raised an eyebrow, "And you'd know from personal experience?"

Hachiman nodded. "I see you've been learning a few things from him."

"What can I say? Sakuta's a handful, but I wouldn't trade him for the world."

"Mai-senpai..." Sakuta tried to speak up, but shot himself down when Mai nodded at him, patronizing. He kept silent, and instead shook his head. "Hachiman, mind giving us a tour? It's been a while since I've been here, after all."

"Sure", Hachiman replied, turning towards Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, both of them staring at him with gaping mouths. "...That means the two of you leave."

Yukinoshita opened her mouth to speak, but Yuigahama placed a hand over her mouth and began walking towards the surface with Yukinoshita in tow. Hachiman sighed, shaking his head at the both of them as he turned to look at his guests. "So, what do you want to know?"

Mai was the first one to speak up. "About those masks earlier..."

"You're correct." Hachiman let out a sigh and closed his eyes. _Considering that she doesn't have a mask...well, that, and she's Sakuta's girlfriend, then I might as well say it. _"I too, also have Puberty Syndrome."

At that, Hachiman let out a bitter smile. "And it seems like I never got over it. Just like Sakuta over here."

Both of them turned towards the brown-haired teen, who shot a glare towards Hachiman. The latter could only wince and look away, staring to walk back towards the surface.

Sakuta could only sigh and follow, even as Mai continued on berating him.


	4. Showing Off - Eatery Shenanigans

"Empathy?"

Hachiman nodded, a thoughtful look on his face as the trio continued on the tour around Chiba. "It's just a hypothesis, but given Sakuta's living conditions when we first met back then, I could only assume that he developed the syndrome in a way that allows him to feel the pain of others." He glanced towards Sakuta's chest, tilting his head towards Mai. "...As you can see, evidenced by the scars on his chest."

"Wait, if you figured this out back then, why didn't you tell me?"

"Even I can feel embarrassed, as secondary as it would be." Sakuta gave Hachiman a flat glare, and the latter coughed and glanced away from his friend. "And what am I supposed to say? That you need to be more selfish?"

"Ah, well...you have a point."

"See?"

"Well, he's pretty selfish now, so I think that it wouldn't be a problem any longer." Mai said, shooting a cheeky grin at Sakuta, who in turn glanced away from his girlfriend and scratched his cheek. Hachiman sighed, feeling some sort of secondhand embarrassment from the two.

"Can you...not do this kind of thing in public?"

"Jealous?" _Dear God no._

"He is."

"Both of you, shut up." Hachiman groaned, feeling a little migraine coming on as both Mai and Sakuta snickered at him. "Well, just in case I missed something, where do you want to go next?"

"Sakuta, your turn."

"I thought it was yours, Mai-senpai."

Hachiman let out an irritated sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to find some solace in the world. A few seconds of silence later, he opened his eyes to find both Mai and Sakuta staring at him with curious expressions on their faces. "No, it's nothing", he said, rubbing his temple as his brows furrowed in thought, "I just thought I needed some help with a...problem of mine."

Mai blinked, but Sakuta got the hint, narrowing his eyes at Hachiman. "Who?" He asked, his tone flat. Hachiman brought out his phone and sifted through some pictures, before showing the pair a photo of a silver-haired man wearing a heavy coat and fingerless gloves.

"Zaimokuza Yoshiteru", Hachiman intoned, tossing the phone to Sakuta, "Chuunibyou, aspiring author...and probably enough issues to drown the school into one of his own fantasies."

"So..."

"He has Puberty Syndrome, yes", Hachiman said, answering Mai's unasked question, "And yes, it sounds clichéd, but I've been seeing scenes ripped straight out of the manga and anime that he reads happening out in the hallway." A frown forms on Hachiman's face, a low growl rising from his throat, "...this is why I hate dealing with authors."

"I do remember you being close to him, though..."

"His chuunibyou paints him as General Yoshiteru, and I'm supposed to be the God of War", Hachiman replied with some air quotes, "To be honest, I actually admire his dedication to making his fantasies as accurate as possible." Sakuta opened his mouth to speak, and Hachiman shut him up with a glare. "Yes, I know how ironic that is. No need to remind me."

The others chuckled, leaving Hachiman to stew by himself as he punctuated his steps with a grunt. The trio turned around another corner, and Sakuta's eyes widened, seeing the familiar storefront with some new additions.

"Saize", he breathed out, a nostalgic smile on his face before Mai tugged on his arm. "...What?"

"Hikigaya-san's entering", she replied, and Sakuta's eyes narrowed as he spotted his friend entering the establishment.

"He could've just told us that he was hungry."

"I think that you're referring to a different kind of hunger here, Sakuta."

Sakuta glanced towards his girlfriend, a sly smirk forming on his face. "Never would I see the day that Mai-senpai would crack a joke like that, but it seems like I've been proven wrong– ow!"

"Stop fiddling around and get inside already", Mai said, a pout on her face as she began walking towards Saize. Sakuta blinked, swearing to himself that he saw Mai blink, before he tilted his head to the side and dodged an incoming can.

"Sakuta, let's go."

"Alright..."

The duo passed through the doors of Saize, and Sakuta once again relished the sound of nostalgia. Once the moment passed however, he began scanning the entire place for any signs of Hachiman, and began walking towards him a few seconds later. Hachiman could only stare at them with a slightly open mouth, his eyes wide and turning themselves on Sakuta.

"Well, you're so obvious", he pointed out, gesturing to the scenery around them as Hachiman snorted and buried his head behind a book. True to Sakuta's words, they were situated at one of the establishment's corners, along with a perfect view of the entrance. Mai hummed, mentally taking down some notes as a waiter came to their table and began taking their orders. Both Sakuta and Hachiman ordered burger steaks, while Mai herself was simply satisfied with unlimited access to a drink bar.

"Are you sure you shouldn't be eating?" Sakuta asked, glancing at her with an eyebrow raised as he was poised to devour his food. Mai laughed, looking at the window whilst scratching her cheek.

"I need to go on a diet for a few days. There's a photoshoot coming out."

"Nevermind that", Sakuta snapped, swiping up a bit of his food and offering it to Mai, "I think you've been getting thin for the past few weeks. You might actually collapse if this goes on."

Mai blinked, staring at her boyfriend and the soon in front of her own face, and promptly flushed. Hey eyes slid over towards Hachiman, who was staring at Sakuta with an unnerving expression on his face. It didn't help that his eyebrow seemed to be twitching in exasperation. "I get it, so stop showing off already."

Once again, Mai blinked, only for different reasons. A chill washed through her entire body as her eyes grew half-lidded, and she stared at Sakuta with her lips in an uncompromising frown. "Sakuta..."

"...Damn it."


	5. Introduction - An Outsider Perspective

"Guess what, Onii-chan?"

Hachiman looks up from his game, seeing his little sister standing in front of him with a coy smile on her face. No matter how biased he may be when thinking that his sister is one of the greatest individuals in the world, the potent threat of his summer time being cut short was enough to set off alarm bells in Hachiman's head. "What?"

"We're visiting Sakuta-nii's place over the weekend~!"

"Ah, then that's good."

...It obviously isn't. Being a friend of Sakuta's for quite a while now, Hachiman knew that the bastard wasn't going to tolerate slacking off. Which Hachiman was currently doing in regards to Zaimokuza's 'treatment'. Although in his defense, he truly has no idea on what to do. Chuunibyou was such a widespread phenomena during middle school that even though most cases that stuck to high school almost certainly have some attention put onto them, the fact remains that the reason as to why is still unknown. Maybe it was in the family? Or maybe they just want to pursue a delusional dream? No matter how mundane or important the reason might seem from the outside, the person themselves know that their reason is likely the only one that matters in the end.

Maybe Hachiman did some research. Found out what Zaimokuza's Syndrome does. Figured out the most common reasons as to why some sufferers of chuunibyou seem content in remaining that way. Yet, he still can't muster up the courage to actually talk to the guy in order to find some sort of clue as to the root of his Syndrome. Sadly, the main reasons as to why he was unable to do so were the deadly combination of both laziness and social anxiety.

Yukinoshita? She seemed fit to insult him, so she was just getting some of the love in return. Yuigahama? As much as Hachiman didn't want to demean her existence like that, he more often than not saw her as a tag-along, barely even a personality to interact with. In a sense, the people that he spends the most amount of time with (and wouldn't _that _amount to a misunderstanding?) did nothing to get him out of his shell. Maybe Hiratsuka-sensei did, in the times wherein Hachiman didn't say something about her age, but those moments were so few and far between that he couldn't exactly remember them.

Still, it didn't solve the problem of the eventual chewing out that he would get from the bastard. "On second thought, count me out. I still need to run some important errands over the weekend."

"I already called Hiratsuka-sensei earlier, you know? She said that you won't have to be doing anything for the summer." Hachiman's eye twitched at that. Alright, so he was busted before he could even muster up a defense. It was fine; he can still pull through this. "Plus, Sakuta-nii told me to make sure you came along. And you know he doesn't do favors that often."

...That bastard. Hachiman's grip on his precious Vita-chan twitched, causing him to take a stray attack from one of his mobs to drop him low. The game over screen loomed in big, imposing letters, and Hachiman could only gripe about Sakuta's willingness to use Komachi's crush on him as leverage while trying to scrape his way off the bed.

Still, he couldn't actually believe that Sakuta would do such a stupid, idiotic, and horrible thing. There were accords between them as a fellowship, after all - and one of the terms stated in the accord explicitly excluded the involvement of their little sisters in whatever conflict that they were having. For Sakuta to do that now...?

"Heh. This means war."

"Onii-chan, just in case you don't know, Satuday's tomorrow, so get to work already!"

/-/

"I am starting to believe that this 'friend' of yours isn't going to show, Azusagawa."

"Oh, he will." Sakuta replied, sounding almost smug in his tone as a bus rounded the corner. "Remember the bet that we had? You're about to lose it."

"You know, you could ask any other person than me, and they'd give you the same results." Rio glanced towards her side, seeing Sakuta relaxed underneath the comforting shade of the bus stop as his sister seemed...irritated? That was weird. Say what you want about Azusagawa kaede, but she was always a kind and caring girl. For her to be impatient about something, _especially _given that Sakuta's friend seemed to be coming to Minegahara?

Rio connected the dots together, and silently prayed for her friend's smugness to backfire on him.

The air brakes on the bus hissed, the door automatically opening and revealing two individuals that looked similar enough to be siblings. The smaller one was a girl around about Kaede's age, and her eyes seemed to sparkle with life even as she all but dragged her older sibling out of the bus. Given that Kaede's mood only seemed to darken around the young girl, Rio could tell that they probably had some bad blood with one another. Possibly one-sided, but given the slight glare that the young girl also sent to Sakuta's sister, then it was more probable that the enmity went both ways.

Still, she turned her eyes towards the older sibling, only to find herself blinking once more. The same facial expression, the same cheekbones...except for the eyes which showed an almost-lifeless gaze and the raven-black hair, Rio could've sworn that she all but saw another Sakuta in the flesh.

Finally, the two siblings came under the bus stop, and the older sibling had to fend off his younger sister as Kaede all but rushed to hug him by the waist. Given the same blush that she had whilst the younger sibling of the Sakuta-look-a-like all but wilted under Sakuta's greeting, Rio could roughly sketch out a map between the four of them.

And it was very..._very_, exhausting. "You're not two-timing, are you?"

Rio's eye twitched. "My name is Futaba Rio. I'm Azusagawa's friend. What's your name?"

"Hikigaya Hachiman." Judging by the newly-named Hachiman's flat stare, Rio's eye twitched even more spastically. He's not even convinced that Sakuta and her were just friends. "And my sister's name is Komachi."

"You're missing a few important traits there, asshole." Rio blinked, turning to stare at Sakuta with wide eyes, only for an exasperated sigh to come out of Hachiman's lips.

"Fine, you bastard. You're letting me play with your console for five hours for this." Hachiman turned towards Rio, the latter already more than confused by the events unfolding around her, yet somehow the Sakuta-look-a-like still managed to drop another bomb. "We're Sakuta's cousins from his mother's side, and we're going to stay at his house for the summer in the time being."

...Due to so being confused, Rio didn't even realize that she had already lost the bet.


	6. Settling In - A Show of Good Faith

"Not even two minutes in, and they're already bickering..."

Such is the situation that Hikigaya Hachiman found himself in as he trudged alongside the sidewalk, keeping himself in between his actual and honorary little sisters (go away PreCure). Luckily, the Asusagawa household isn't far from where the bus stop is, but it still didn't stop the drain on his mental reserves for trying to keep himself sane as both Komachi and Kaede traded barbs with one another.

And speaking of Kaede...Hachiman glanced towards her for a split-second, only for Sakuta's little sister to notice his gaze and offer him a wide smile. In another time, he might have called such an action 'cute', but his exasperation at the whole affair changed his mindset to become a little more cynical than his usual self. Thus, he labeled the action as 'pretending to be innocent', and try as he might in order to chastise Sakuta's younger sister for it, he couldn't help but give some credit to her for being observant.

...It looked like some things were inherited between family members, after all. "Anyways, Hachi-nii-san, can we go and play on Onii-chan's console? I've been dying to try out some new fighting games this week!"

Yeah, scratch that. He was going to be beaten by a girl in third-year middle school. He would've been embarrassed if he were in any other situation, but as of the moment he couldn't care less. All he wanted to do as of the moment was to get out of the morning sun, chill inside an air-conditioned room with some quiet time, and figure out a reason on as to how Kaede was back to her original personality.

It is in the nature of older brothers to share stories about their little sisters after all, even if such an act could be misconstrued as creepy by the general populace...or tragic, like Kaede's own.

Hachiman glanced towards his own sister, a half-lidded expression on her face as she continued on bickering with her half cousin. If (and divines forbid that it only remained as an _if_) Puberty or Adolesence Syndrome ran in the genetics, would Komachi experience the same thing as well? In all actuality, Kaede should be just a year lower than Hachiman if her own Adolesence Syndrome didn't hit, and she would be very well studying as a first-year in Minegahara High School and bothering her brother for every second of her stay there. But then the damn thing struck, and it lead to the current situation.

Still, it was a valid question that needed a bit of thought to be put into; what should he do if Komachi had Adolesence Syndrome? He couldn't just rely on Sakuta for everything.

...But escaping the heat went first. And it was with that final, torturous gasp that the trio finally managed to enter the Azusagawa household.

Of course, Hachiman immediately pounced on the couch. "I'm going to rest for a bit. It was hot out there."

"Do as you like, Hachi-nii-san."

"You're already freeloading without even a second thought..."

"It's fine if he has permission from one of the people that live inside the house itself, right?"

"That's not the point and you know it!"

Hachiman tuned out their bickering, simply content to submerge himself into the soft mattress of his half cousin's home. It definitely isn't his way to get revenge on that scummy Sakuta. Not at all. He was just...trying to restore his depleted energy reserves, that's all.

...Still, he couldn't help but wonder as to how that bastard was doing.

/-/

"Oh, I know."

"Then why aren't you doing anything about it?" Rio asked in an exasperated tone, holding up her arm so that the silver bracelet glinted in the fluorescent light of the mall. "You're just needlessly complicating things."

"Hachiman and I reached an understanding." Sakuta replied in a blank tone, his idle gaze glancing towards the bracelet as a hum passes through his lips. "...Yeah, maybe the corded bangle would be better?"

"You know, an 'understanding' wouldn't be enough to curb the two of you from beating the snot out of each other." Rio removed the metal bracelet and slipped on the corded bangle, the earthly brown color looking almost natural on her skin. "From what I can see, it would seem like you fired the first shot, anyways."

Sakuta fell silent. Rio took that as an answer in of itself, but she narrowed her gaze at him and pressed. "...You did, didn't you?"

"I plead the Fifth."

Rio clapped once, making Sakuta flinch while she removed the bangle and gave it to him. "Here. Sakurajima-senpai might like this. Also, if you come to me in the next few days complaining about your sister coming too hard on your cousin-" She removed the images in her head immediately, "-I want to part of it whatsoever. You brought this on yourself when you baited...Hikigaya, right? Yeah. You brought this onto yourself when you baited Hikigaya's sister into convincing her brother to come here."

A myriad of emotions crossed through Sakuta's face, eventually ending up at an expression that he would probably make while he's constipated. "I just wanted to check up on him, that's all..."

"...You're actually those types of people that can't say what they want to, aren't you?"

"My feelings are hurt." Sakuta deadpanned, returning back to his usual stoic disposition before glancing towards the bangle currently in his hand and smiling. "...Still, thanks for the help, Futaba. I wouldn't know what to do if I was just shopping here alone."

Rio sighed in exasperation, rubbing her temples as she tried to imagine as to how Azusagawa Sakuta can be this bad at trying to find presents. "I'm sure that Sakurajima-senpai would accept anything that you give her for your anniversary."

"So, you mean to tell me that my virginity is allowed as well?"

If the air could speak, then it would've made the sound of a scratched record before falling entirely silent. Rio glanced towards her friend with a cold and half-lidded gaze, but she knew that her expression was twisted into something that resembled both disgust and nostalgia.

"...Welcome back, Azusagawa."

"The moment you say it with that expression on your face, it just makes me want to go inside my room and cry myself to sleep."

"Because that's _exactly _as to what you should be doing."


	7. Lap Pillows – A Pact Between Men

Hikigaya Hachiman woke up to a lap pillow.

Given that the lap didn't belong to his sister, he immediately freaked out. "Relax, Hachi-nii-san. You seemed exhausted by the trip, so let your little sister take care of you for the moment."

It was at this moment that the genre of this story shifted to Horror. Or it would, if Hachiman hadn't immediately recognized the voice that Sakuta seemed to rub into his face every damn day. "Kaede?"

"Who else?"

"Right..." Hikigaya Hachiman leaned back into the lap pillow, releasing a soft sigh that belied his confused and addled mind. So, he started to sort them out.

Relief was first, and the most important of all. It meant that he wasn't kidnapped during the time that he spent sleeping, and was woken up by a yandere that liked to fashion themselves as his little sister.

The next emotion to be sorted out was contentment. This was also very much obvious. As a man – and more importantly, an older brother – he liked to get some recognition for his efforts the same way that women seemed to want to do the same. Granted, his upbringing of Komachi had led her to pursue a guy currently emgaged in a relationship, but he couldn't fault her for her choice in men.

...Except the fact that Sakuta was his cousin of course, which would explain some things. And how he was currently horrified by such revelations.

Anyway, the third feeling that was sorted out was most undoubtedly happiness. And why wouldn't he? A lap pillow, for goodness's sake! It was the first time that the man known as Hikigaya Hachiman was subjected to this type of affection!

...Truly, Hikigaya Komachi's way of showing her appreciation of her brother through tough love gave him a glaring weakspot to Azusagawa Kaede's brand of pampering.

"Hehe. So Hachi-nii-san likes these kinds of things too?" The man known as Hikigaya Hachiman took a deep breath and tried not to scream hysterically. It was known that he had sensitive ears courtesy of his father (and wasn't _that _a particularly revolting revelation, considering the way that he told such a story to his son), and he was sure that he never told any other family members of this fact, lest that bastard Sakuta used it on him. Granted, Komachi had tried threatening him with such as well, but given that she shared the same ear sensitivity as him? It was all but a stalemate.

In any case, a billion Kaede points had been given. The Hikki machine is broken, please report the malfunction to the local authorities. "How about that fighting game you were talking about earlier?"

"Ah." Hachiman blinked. Never had he heard such a tone of both elation and realization of a mistake in just one word. "I– Kaede remembers. She sent Komachi up to Onii-chan's room to cool off some steam. We can't go there."

More shuddering. Hachiman didn't need to hear about that, thank you very much. Still, he had to give some points to Kaede for being sneaky as well. Sometimes, it looked like she received some lessons is the Hachiman school of life. "You've got another place to play, then?"

Hachiman shouldn't have asked. "Yup. That is, if you're willing to play in my room..."

...Ah, there it was again. The textbook gesture of poking one's index fingers together. Hachiman could only groan and cover his eyes with an arm in response to this technique. If it was Yuigahama, then he would have told her straight out that such a thing didn't suit her. After all, such gestures only worked when the person doing them is at a younger age than the other party. That's why...

"I'll just stay here, then." He could only admit defeat.

"Then, I'll turn on the TV", came the prompt reply from his younger cousin, pulling the remote out of the folds of the couch as she turned it towards a nature documentary about pandas. "Is this channel, fine?"

"Sure. From what I remember, the PreCure show is just two hours away on the same channel."

/-/

Azusagawa Sakuta woke up in hell.

It was the only sane explanation for the...current events happening to him.

"PreCure, you idiot! You should've used your Star Cure Piledriver right at the start! Now look, Lala-chan is unconscious and those tentacles are homing in towards her!"

"Hachi-nii-san, it's just a show..."

"Damn idiot! I don't even know why I support you anymore if you keep in spouting out motivational speeches that don't do squat! If you want to encourage others, do it yourself, you hear me!?"

"The neighbors might hear us if you keep on screaming, Hachi-nii-san..."

At that, Hachiman scoffed, still looking comfortable in the lap of Sakuta's little sister. "Relax. That Sakuta might have already padded the entire house the moment he got himself a girlfriend."

"Oi. How'd you know that?"

Hachiman paused, gaping at Sakuta with wide eyes and an open mouth. Sakuta could only turn towards the nearest wall and slam his head on it, all but wishing to die...Then a stray detail flitted through his mind.

Sakuta all but turned his attention towards the living room, seeing two very distinct things connected to one another. One was Hikigaya Hachiman, still lazing around while using Kaede's lap as a pillow (not that she didn't mind, however. Sakuta could clearly see that). The other thing was the TV, currently blaring out the new season of PreCure rumored to be borderline pornographic by its critics, but was actually a scathing retort to the excess amounts of fanservice currently seen in modern media.

Nevertheless, it was still PreCure. And it was still being watched by one Hikigaya Hachiman.

It seemed that the other party had realized the same thing however, since the TV was promptly shut off by a single finger on a remote control. Hazel eyes met dull gray orbs, and a connection was forged in that very moment.

"I won't tell the others if you don't."

"Deal."

Another pact between men.


	8. Boredom - Library Zen

/-/

"I'm bored."

Azusagawa Sakuta is a master of zen. He is one with the world, his body sinking deeper into the couch as the world itself acquiesced to his wishes. It is rare to break a zen master out of their equilibrium, to make them feel something else other than unnerving calm.

The two words that came out of his cousin's mouth were enough to shatter his concentration. "Oi, whatever you're planning on doing, you stop it right now."

"But I'm bored~" It was rare for Hikigaya Hachiman to swap personalities with his cousin, but it just went to show just how eerily similar the two of them are when placed in a single room. Even now Sakuta trembled at the added lilt, a trademark of his that only occurred when he was trying to needle someone else.

Such an event needed to stop before it grew to unbearable proportions. "Then, how about we go tour my school?"

Hachiman stopped. Dark gray eyes swiveled onto his cousin's own, staring deep into an abyss that only the two of them can understand, and Sakuta grimaced immediately. "Nevermind. It sounds like a bad idea."

"I disagree. It sounds like a _great _idea."

"Azusagawa Sakuta forbids the party known as Hikigaya Hachiman to step foot in his bastion of sanctity. The moment you step inside the bounds of Minogahara, you can and _will _suck the life out of everything inside."

"Oi."

"Deny it all you want, my cousin, it's true. I had spared some thought over the past few days while you stayed here and entrenched your place like a particularly resilient cockroach–"

"Oi."

"–But I had come to the conclusion that if I hadn't met the wondrous and merciful goddess that is Mai-san, I would turn into you, sooner or later. Dead fish eyes included."

Hikigaya Hachiman raised his finger to counter his counsin's point, only for him to lower his arm a second later and merely grumble around his spot on the couch. Sakuta could clearly hear him grumbling about being bored, Kaede being asleep, and blowing most of his pocket money on MAXX Coffee.

Sometimes, Sakuta couldn't understand his cousin, no matter how much they looked or acted alike. MAXX Coffee was both sweet and bitter. A wonderful way to gain diabetes in only a few years. He could never understand as to why Hachiman was so inundated about it.

Sakuta sighs, shaking his head as he rolled off the couch and met the floor, pulling himself up a few moments later. He was going to regret this, he was sure it. But no one knew just how annoying Hikigaya Hachiman could be if he willed it. "Get up, idiot." Sakuta said, smacking his cousin by his shoulder, "Let's go."

Dark gray eyes managed to tear themselves away from a pillow. "Really?"

"Take a bath first, though." Sakuta replies, frowning at the Kaede-like way that Hachiman delivered his statement. Was she corrupting him, or was it the other way around? Maybe they were just corrupting each other. Sakuta shivers at the thought of his little sister acting like a lazy, sarcastic, and smug prick all the time. Such an event must never come to pass. "You stink. No way I am taking you on a tour when you're smell like a trash can."

"I don't smell like that."

"It was a metaphor, idiot. Now go and shower before I force you into one." Sakuta growls, forcing Hachiman off the couch as he grumbles and trudges his way to the bathroom. He dug himself into the couch the moment that his cousin was gone, pulling out his phone and sending out a message to his girlfriend that he would be going out with Hachiman in a while.

A moment passes before she replies. _"Going to school then. Just finished another photoshoot, so I might be able running late. -Mai."_

"Truly an angel." Sakuta recites to himself as a small smile forms on his face, cradling his phone to his chest while listening to the sounds of running water. It was a good backdrop to fall asleep in. Comfy couch, the sound of water pattering against the floor...

...

The sheer terror of waking up to your cousin poking you on the cheek.

Hikigaya Hachiman stands over Sakuta's prone body, looming over him with a soul-sucking gaze, their usual scowl even more pronounced than ever. "Oi, about time you woke up. It's been five minutes since I took a shower, and you need to take one yourself."

"Mai-san's the only one for me."

"The hell are you–?" Hachiman trails off, shaking his head as the random statement that came out of Sakuta's lips. Much to his cousin's relief, Hachiman was wearing a hooded shirt and some shorts. "Nevermind. You need to take a shower as well, you moron. We're going out, so it's going to be hot. Hot enough that you'd need an umbrella for this weather, really."

"But I already did, though?" Sakuta replies back, eyebrow raised at his cousin. "Unlike you, I already took a nice, long bath while you were busy sleeping the rest of the morning off. Saves myself some time from unbearable cousins trying to force me to take a shower while I'm at it."

Hachiman fixes his cousin with a flat stare, then sniffs the air around him. He scowls a second later, crossing his arms over his chest. "You don't get to talk so high and mighty when you smell like shit."

Sakuta sighs. "The moment we get to Minogahara, we're still going to smell like shit unless we've got some deodorant on."

His cousin answers the question by throwing a spray bottle of deodorant directly onto Sakuta's face. He moves to catch it, only for his grip to slip and the can to hit his face. Sakuta crunches his nose, the deodorant bottle rolling off the couch and bouncing off the living room floor before rolling some more.

The two of them sigh.

"I hate you so much."

"The same could be said for you as well."

/-/

Minogahara High School. Just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill high school without the prestige that Soubu had in fostering students with high grades. Holding run-of-the-mill people as a run-of-the-mill high school, it was obviously going to be a riajuu paradise, even in the sweltering heat of summer.

It was here that the two cousins find themselves trapped in the library, staving off the harsh summer temperatures and the welcoming air of the riajuus. Gasping for breath, browsing through the shelves like madmen, both Hikigaya Hachiman and Azusagawa Sakuta were near the end of their ropes, eyes glancing out the window from time to time to see if anyone else had followed them into their makeshift sanctuary.

"Azusagawa. Hikigaya. What are you two doing here during summer? I thought you weren't in any clubs."

Sakuta freezes, turning towards Futaba Rio with a smile. "I'm just showing Hachiman the school."

She narrows her eyes. Azusagawa Sakuta turns towards his cousin for help, only to find them browsing along another shelf while whistling oh-so innocuously.

He will have is revenge. And it shall be oh-so sweet.


End file.
